TricaB™ : RAGING BULL!!

My magnificent mother took off her job and drove me back to Wisconsin. When I arrived at my home the locks had been changed and all of my possessions were put outside (garage). Of course I initially thought that there was something wrong with my key due to my state of complete numbness but after trying the same key several times it was clear that there was a different key that was needed to open “OUR” front door. I thought to myself, I don’t remember having the locks change, so what was up with this?

Went next door and the neighbors assured me that I was not crazy after they witness my ex-husband actions on the night before. It was clear to me that the marriage was done and he wanted all of my worldly possessions and me to disappear. If you’re wondering where my father/brother was in all of this, well to be honest it took all of God, and his heavenly host to restrain my father and brother. They made it very clear to me that they wanted him dead immediately. Yes I said it DEAD!!!! I have never seen my father, brother and mother so upset in all my days. It actually frightened me but I managed to convince him to stay at home. Thank God I can laugh about it now but it was not funny then.

Rejection is the first word that comes to mind as I write this. Can you imagine finding all of your worldly possessions outside, discarded like fifthly rags? I am not going to lie to you I wanted him dead too! Even though my personal belongings were placed in the garage does not make it any better. I would describe this as a passive aggressive moment.

This was the lowest I have ever been because I felt like he was throwing “ME” away like garbage. Was I trash to him? So I had to ask myself; is this what love looks like? It’s hard enough that my spouse leaves me in another state and shows no shame about it, let alone driving six hours trying to resist rage and anger then arriving to your front door and all of your worldly possessions are outside. There was no warning or anything. Hold on, you know what? There was warning but I ignored it because I was SO determined to make this marriage/relationship work. There were plenty of signs but I brushed it off! Why do we women folk do that, brush things off?

My stance would be because we give and invest so much of ourselves that we don’t want it to go to waste. It might sound silly but it is the truth. We feel like the relationship is an investment and we anticipate something in return. And most of the times we do not even get it back. It is true; LOVE can make you do some strange things in my case impractical things. The flip side to this would be all of us have that voice inside that lets us know WAY in the beginning that this is NOT going to have a happy ending. For me to marry felt like the right thing to do being a “preacher’s kid” an all.

The “old church” would say it is better to marry than to burn (it is in the bible) but I feel if he is a dupe and possess no real spiritual characteristics that reflect your nature then, why even waste your time. Now, I can only speak for myself, some people they don’t care about all that serious stuff. But I do!

In other words most women/men have no or low standards and they just settle for whatever comes their way. Whom you date or marry is a reflection of who you are. I stand by this whole heartedly. There is no way you can CHANGE or REPROGRAM another human being it is not possible. I tried it and it DOES NOT WORK! They are who they are.

I came across a statement on today and I would like to share it with you.

“Marriage begins with dating, and dating is a process of elimination! So, if you discover that your partner doesn’t meet your standards, even if it’s the day of the wedding, don’t go through with it! Apologize to your family and friends and then move on with your life! Remember, the only thing worse than a cancelled wedding is a bad marriage. Forget those people who call you picky, “Be Selective!”-Baisden Live

Now on a spiritual side and you might judge me but I wrote down a detailed request of the things that I would like God to give me in my future mate. Let’s face it if I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone I better be specific. You might mess around and get a straight-up nut case! I don’t think you want that. Also, the next time I get married will be my LAST time; I do not plan on going through that mess again. It is one of the worse things any human being could experience; A spiritual and emotional death. Let’s not forget it takes many years to heal from. I asked God, this one is on you and be my match maker “Jesus Take the Wheel!”

I had to find a phone because I did not have a cell phone at the time. My neighbors were kind enough to let me use their phone. After calling him at work he answered the phone like nothing ever happened. “I need to get into the house and get the rest of my stuff and if you don’t get here in time I am going to the police station”, I said to him. My mother whom was a trooper through this whole ordeal took me straight to the police station. I filed a domestic report. Now at this point I LOST it! The rage was starting to settle in and all I could do was see red. My hands began to shake, my face became hot and my stomach was churning a mile a minute. The pressure in my head was so severe I couldn’t see straight but I managed to breathe through it.

By nature I am a calm person and it takes ALOT for me to get over the top angry. Through the years I have discovered that I hold my anger, frustration, etc inside. They call this internalizing, which is not always good. I am not really sure why I do this but I am still trying to get the hang of being more expressive when those feelings show up. Some that know me very well would say I have no problem with being expressive. However, I have been known to be a little over the top or animated at times. LOL!!! But you get the point.

We arrived at the police station and God was with me because there was a cop that immediately greeted me at the door. To this day I still don’t think that officer ever existed. I began to explain ALL the events that lead up to me being at the station. My request was simple I needed to be escorted to my home so that I could retrieve the remainder of my things. Most cops have been known to be a little edgy at times. But this man had the patience of Job. I do believe he was an angel. You might not believe it but it is true. He took the time to listen to every detail. Later on I tried to go back to “Thank” this officer for being so kind to me but no one knew or even heard of him. Strange hun! Sounds like an Angel to me.

Once we arrived back to my home, my ex-husband arrived with a grin on his face and had the nerve to ask me “How are you doing?” "ARE YOU SERIOUS? Oh I am doing fabulous it’s a great day to have the cops here to let me in my house because you changed the locks. Thanks so much for asking. (I say sarcastically).” I know that I have been born again but every curse word known to man was wandering through my head…

Let’s be real ladies and gentleman ANGER/RAGE is real feelings that exist. And it can be dangerous if it has had time to build up inside. This is when internalizing can be hazardous. But we do not allow ourselves to be honest in knowing that these things do occur. Even when it seems like God is so far away we still have to DEAL with those emotions/feelings daily.

The officer proceeded and he asked my ex-husband to let me in the house. When I entered I Quickly picked up the smell of another woman. I went through that house like a “Raging Bull” and I can remember the officer telling me to “Please TRY to STAY calm miss!” When I arrived in our bedroom my instincts were right another woman had set up camp and her possessions lay where my things used to lie.

The Story Continues…..

“Discover why you’re important, and then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t completely agree.”
— Fisher Amelie

Till Next Time!

Trica B!